Show Notes

 

In today's episode, Heather Bensch is a life coach specializing in special needs individuals and their families. Heather shares how she had noticed something was off with her daughter from birth and took her to the pediatrician for evaluation. Heather speaks about her journey as a parent of her daughter with autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability and recently found out they were due to a rare genetic disorder called SYNGAP1, A disorder that affects the regulation of synapses in the brain. SRF stands for Syngap Research Fund, and February 28th is Rare Disease Day.

Are you still in shock that you are a parent of a special needs child?
This show is for parents who are morning the loss of the life and child they thought they would have. For parents who are tired, lonely, and see no hope in sight?

You will learn how to deal with your non-verbal child with a sensory processing disorder, seizures, meltdowns, haircuts, and family trips. Embark on a journey of consciousness, self-care & meditation.

My name is Chad Ratliffe. I am a single father of 5 kids 6 years of age (8-14) and 2 with special needs. 5 years ago, in a nasty divorce, my depression led me to drug addiction and hopelessness. Today, I share with others a life I never imagined possible.

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SUMMARY KEYWORDS

parent, child, feel, naked, give, years, challenges, special needs child, understand, today, support, thought, live, special needs, life, coach, started, autism diagnosis, long, Heather Bensch,

SPEAKERS

Chad Ratliffe, Heather Bensch

 

Heather  00:00

First and foremost, you can't do it alone. But you are not alone. Right. And so embracing the community, the special needs community, the supports that are out there and available, they have so much more now than when my daughter was young, asking for help, it's okay to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. You know, we all learn things differently at different times in our lives.

 

And I'm still learning. So being open to learning. Also, understanding that your journey is going to be very different than the next person, even if your child has the same diagnoses and being willing to accept that life. While it may look different, is not necessarily bad, it's just different. And then also, really just forgiving yourself for the expectations you might have had that your child doesn't live up to. And adapting those expectations into. The best way to support your child is some of the greatest helps that I found over my own journey that could help anyone that's just getting started.

 

Chad Ratliffe  01:11

Welcome to the daily naked parent podcast brought to you by rocket glue. The first ever brand focused on supporting parents with special needs children. A good parent nation is a group of parents with special needs children, who are willing to give honorable, stripped it all down and take a look at ourselves, our parenting, our family and our plans to create a life beyond our wildest dreams.

 

On today's show, we'll be discussing hatched in homebound. Are you a caregiver for an adult child who might not ever leave home? Hello naked parent nation and welcome to today's episode of The Naked parent podcast. My name is Chad ratliffe and I'm your host and before I introduce you to our guests today, let me start by sharing a message from naked parent nation. Naked parents teens the process of moving from where you are today to liberation naked parenting understands that the mind is responsible for all your problems on your journey you will eliminate suffering so you can be present and joy filled in order to give your child the best version of yourself.

 

 Naked parent nations a worldwide community of parents and professionals raising children with all kinds of needs, we come together to share our Naked Truth, support our fellow parents and inspire the inner growth that each of us needs to build the life and family of our dreams. For the parents that are struggling, we want you to know that we will love you until you can love yourself. For your children we pray and send power from our collective group. As we come to understand our divine nature, we realize that there's no need to feel sorry for ourselves be angry or feel lack, we come to understand that our feelings of limitation and separation are only in our minds. Through Self Realization, we expand our consciousness so that the challenges that perplex us today, dissipate one by one until we're able to see and experience gratitude and beauty in everything just as it is.

 

 We have the power to create any kind of life we want for ourselves and our families. We do this by living in the naked present moment, one day at a time. So if this is your first step on the path or your 10th, I'd like to welcome you to naked parent nation and the naked parent podcast. And before we get to our guests today, let's take a moment to center and ground ourselves and give ourselves a moment of peace and acknowledgement that if we search from within, we can always be okay.

 

So if you want to sit up straight with your spine erect, let your eyes fall closed. Slowly lift your gaze up to the center just between your eyebrows. Just take in the sounds the room and see if you notice any tingling in your body anywhere. And together we're going to do three inhalations and as we inhale, we're going to tense our muscles and our fists and clench every muscle you can in your body and then hold your breath visualizing the breath of the top crown of your head. And then after we hold that we're going to exhale and let your fists relaxed and all your muscles relax. And we're going to do that three times. So inhale intense hold exhale, relax. Inhale, intense and hold an exhale, relax.

 

And on this last one, hold it as long as you're comfortable. Inhale intense and exhale, let it all go feel that peace and then be conscious of your breath and realize that it's your breath that gives you life. And it works even when you're not thinking about it. But the more we can focus on our breath, and block out the wild thoughts, circling in our heads, and trying to figure everything out and fix everything. The more we can see the beauty in our lives and our children.

 

And in whatever we encounter. So as you open your eyes and come back into the room, and join us for our conversation, I'd like to introduce you to Heather bench, who's a life coach and specializes in special needs individuals and their family members, among other things, which we'll learn about. But Heather, thank you for being on the show with us today. Welcome. Thank you. You are calling in from where?

 

Heather  07:15

Ripley, Tennessee?

 

Chad Ratliffe  07:17

How long have you been a parent? Let's start with that.

 

Heather  07:20

So I've been a parent for 21 years, almost 22 in June?

 

Chad Ratliffe  07:24

And is your child on the spectrum or have unique needs?

 

Heather  07:31

Yeah, so my first child, the 21 year old, she has special needs. She has autism spectrum disorder, she has an intellectual disability. And just recently, we found out that those two things were due to a genetic disorder that she has, which is rare, and it's called Sun gap one.

 

Chad Ratliffe  07:50

Wow. And so Rewinding back, when did you first notice that something didn't seem like it was going the way you thought it was supposed to?

 

Heather  08:02

So I would say at birth, I was a young parent. And at first, you know, first few weeks, I thought, this is a really good baby, because she didn't cry, you know, she didn't seem as needy as people told me, she might be. And so I waited out throughout the weeks and waited to see what might happen. But the more that she didn't interact with me and seem to be off, you know, to herself, I figured that there was something different about her.

 

Chad Ratliffe  08:28

So you didn't have denial? Like a lot of us, have you? You. Were onto it. Did you? Did you go to your pediatrician? Who did you consult with what you were seeing? Yeah, so

 

Heather  08:46

I took her to the pediatrician. And I just told them what my concerns were, and that she wasn't progressing. Like I thought she should be like other babies were. I was in the military at the time. So they offered me all of the services that were possible to get her on track. So she started at six months old with, you know, therapy, speech, OT pt. And we waited to find out what it was that was causing, you know, her delays.

 

Chad Ratliffe  09:17

So that's cool. So you got the early intervention, was your primary care physician supportive in helping you kind of get to the bottom of what was going on?

 

Heather  09:29

Yeah, absolutely. So anything I asked for, if I said I needed evaluation, if I said I thought she needed a different type of service. It was provided to me so that was nice to have in the beginning.

 

Chad Ratliffe  09:42

I remember having my first child being a big shock. It was a big change in my life to become a parent. It was difficult to be a parent, when you learned that your child had special needs. How do you remember that feeling? How do you I remember that being for you, what did you go through, and kind of realizing what was actually going on?

 

Heather  10:06

Well, I think from having a difficult past myself, and being in the military, I was very proactive about trying to get her the help she needed. So I didn't really take time in the beginning to feel what it meant to have a special needs child, I just went and thought that I could somehow help her get the help that she needed. And then the problem would be solved. It was pretty ignorant there to beginning, but I didn't know what I was dealing with and how long term it would actually be.

 

 And so I don't think I went through that until she got her autism diagnosis later on, which was about five at three, they said she had Pervasive Developmental Disorder. But they didn't know what was causing it started to settle in then. But I think it really started to hit me when she got her autism diagnosis. And then I started to feel the long term emotions, right? Like, how am I going to help her to grow up? What is that going to look like? Those kinds of things?

 

Chad Ratliffe  11:12

Yeah, did you have support?

 

Heather  11:15

I did. I had my husband at the time, and I had the therapists and the special needs community. But I didn't reach out in the very beginning, I just figured it was something that we could handle as a family. And we did the necessary services, but we didn't do much else. So probably there was more support that I could have taken advantage of, in the beginning and didn't.

 

Chad Ratliffe  11:39

How has the growth been for your daughter, through the years?

 

Heather  11:45

Yeah, um, when she was seven, that's when she got the intellectual disability diagnosis. And that's when I felt like I started grieving, because they told me that, you know, she would hit a certain age developmentally, and most likely stop there. So not only was it my mission to get her to be as independent as possible, but I also felt the finality of this diagnosis, and the ones before it, that there wasn't much I was going to be able to do to change it. But I could only support her from there on out to be the best that she could be. So as she grew it, it was very slow, there was things that she wasn't even able to do until, you know, she was 10 or 12. And, you know, even now, as a 21 year old,

 

I compare her depending on what we're talking about. But for like a three to seven year old, if we're talking about communication, you know, I would say, being able to speak to us and communicate what her wants and needs are, she'd be about a three year old. But if we're talking about certain skill sets anywhere between a five and seven year old, you know, so maybe comprehension is a little higher now, but skills are still way behind, you know, life skills and being able to take care of herself on a day to day basis. So it's been real slow, but it's been steady, overall, so.

 

Chad Ratliffe  13:09

So my 13 year old is very low functioning. I mean, yesterday morning, he got into his diaper when I got in, and there's feces all over his face and all over the walls. So sometimes it's difficult for me, you know, to when I hear somebody saying how hard it was that, you know, their child didn't get potty trained until they were seven years old, like my child will probably may never be potty trained. Have you had some of those feelings throughout the years? Because the growth for my students will slow? Yeah,

 

Heather  13:45

absolutely. And I share those same experiences you just talked about, you know, I think that happened earlier, when she was younger, where, you know, she was very sensory, and she wanted to, you know, get into her feces and put it all over the wall and the TV. And I remember times like that, that I thought I just couldn't possibly get through another day like this, like, there's got to be something that I can use to get through to her and help her to understand this is not okay, and learn different ways of understanding her bodily functions.

 

Then we talked about behaviors and things that you know, progressed over time. And they seem to have gotten worse as we've went along. And again, that feeling of is this ever going to be any different than it is now? Am I going to be able to handle this long term? Or am I going to need to ask for extra support so and the potty training, like you said, and just trying to reach some milestones that they could you know, manage simple daily tasks are frustrating, but every time we do reach one then it's like so rewarding beyond what most people can imagine if you're not especially parent.

 

Chad Ratliffe  14:54

Yeah, I actually made me tear up. How do you get through? How have you got Through 21 years of what I consider a very challenging path in life,

 

Heather  15:06

right? So I've never given myself a choice. I've always said, this is something I wanted to do. But I also had to do she needs me, right. So filling a need for someone else is so powerful, that you feel like if I couldn't provide this for them, then they would be lost without me, right. And so just knowing that she needed me to be there for her throughout the years, and not making it so personal, that the things that were happening aren't happening just to me, they were also happening to her, and understanding how, you know, powerless that might make her feel, and how I have the ability to help has really allowed me to step outside of the situation, many times, so I just felt like giving up and saying, you know, I have to make it another day.

 

Chad Ratliffe  15:57

That was beautiful. And well said, and for me when it happened yesterday. So it used to happen regularly. And then I don't know why it took so long for me to figure out that onesies. And, you know, was like when I found that I did like change my life around that day that I picked out that a onesie and pants with a tie would eliminate that situation most of the time. I mean, that was life changing. I usually ask people to give a favorite quote, and I believe that you gave us a quote from First Corinthians. Is that your quote? Yes, for now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known. Can you tell us why you liked this verse?

 

Heather  16:47

Yeah, absolutely. I like that verse. Because, you know, all the things that we don't understand now, right? So with each diagnosis, we don't understand what that might mean, or look like in the future. With each new challenge. We don't understand how we're going to get through it, the tools that we're going to need, you know, so it's like seeing through a glass darkly. Right. You can't see to the other side. But you know, there's another side there. Right. And so then one day, and I look forward to that day, that I have more answers, that I have overcome those challenges, that I can see through the other side, that our children is just as whole and capable and powerful as the next child. And that's why I really clung to a verse like that. And other verses and, and quotes that remind me that this is just temporary. This is just a phase that we're going through. It's just a season every season. You know, there's a beginning and an end. So yeah, it's very powerful, if you think about it that way.

 

Chad Ratliffe  17:50

Yeah. Wow, that's awesome. I appreciate you sharing that with us. And, you know, yesterday, what I had a rough I reflected to some earlier years, when I was more anxious when I was less emotionally intelligent. And my son would get into that situation. And I would get angry, like, I would get angry with the rest of the kids and I'd get angry at him and probably yell and then probably act in ways that aren't okay. And I noticed yesterday after I got him cleaned up, went through three toothbrushes to try and get his mouth as clean as possible for school and I got him off to school.

 

 And I like had an emotional moment because I realized, like, I had grown, I just lovingly took care of him yesterday, I didn't like snap. And so I've grown, he has acted the same the whole time, he hasn't done anything wrong, you know, the only person who had to change was me, in the way I handled the situation. And so it was like a nice moment, because I felt while I did grow, and he deserves the least that he deserves is for me to care for him in a loving way, and not get mad at him for something that he can't have any control of. So, you know,

 

Heather  19:11

I'm not making it personal again, and just realizing that they have a need that needs met, and were able to meet that need, you know, and sometimes, you know, we don't react the right way. And I've learned to just come back and apologize whether she understands it or not, I'm sorry that I yelled or I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. And I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Help me help you, you know, type thing and I found that to be like life changing to a degree because when she sees that I'm trying and you know, I'm not mad at her.

 

Then it opens up the door of communication because we all know especially with, you know, verbally challenged kids when they are having a hard time well behaved or episode, you know, that is not the time that they want to communicate anything with you except for how frustrated they are. After that's over, then it's important to keep the walls down and not block them from wanting to tell us why that happened. And and we can only do that by not being angry by being receptive by apologizing, you know, and keeping that line of communication open,

 

Chad Ratliffe  20:24

special needs children make relationships challenging mine turned into a disaster, did it have influence on and challenges put strain on your relationships throughout the years?

 

Heather  20:39

Absolutely. I can't say that we still agree on everything. My husband and I have been married 20 years, it's honestly the grace of God, especially having a special needs child, you know, we each think we should approach the situation a different way. He's always saying that maybe I'm too easy on her, you know, and I think he is always too hard on her, you know, finding that balance in between what's acceptable, what's not, and then coming to an agreement that you're both just trying to help.

 

And it may look different, but as long as the outcome is a positive one, then it's okay. Because we're all going to fail at it right? And sometimes miserably. But just giving the other person the same grace you give your child and realizing they're not going to be perfect, in a way they do things. And you may not always agree, and that's okay. Has it made a huge difference in our marriage? Over the years,

 

Chad Ratliffe  21:33

I admire you for staying together, I think it would have been easier on me and my kids if and I think that for a lot of people I've interviewed who I see go through bad breakups, you know, I just think the grass is always greener on the other side. And when you get there, you find out that you're this, you still have the set up, there's challenges there as well. And I just think it's hard on our kids, and on us to bring another challenge into the mix. So when was the birth of your inspiration to become a life coach? And tell us kind of what that inspiration was?

 

Heather  22:17

I would say it was a couple of years back, actually. But I didn't know what kind of life coach at the time that I wanted to be. And I actually thought the idea of being a life coach for Special Needs families, because I thought, you know, this is what I live with every day, it you know, takes everything that I have out of me as it is, and how am I going to be able to help people that are in the same situation? Or maybe not where I am now, you know, with anything that I have to say when I'm so depleted already, right? Anyway, and I decided that I had graduated with one degree, but it had taken me 20 years to graduate, like to get a two year degree because life happened, right? I had four kids, and one of them had special needs. And I just didn't make school a priority.

 

So I would take a class here at class there. And then 20 years later, and back in 2020, when the world was falling apart, I said, You know what, I'm going to finish this, I'm going to graduate, I'm going to make this my year instead of everything going wrong. I'm going to make something go right for myself. And so I got just my associate's degree in general studies, and it's because I didn't know yet what I wanted to do when I grew up, right. And I think when I started thinking about it, what am I good at? What do I like to do, and I realize I like to help people. And at the time, I didn't think that I was a people person that I, you know, was able to talk to people and initiate conversation. And I just think I wasn't, I didn't have confidence back then.

 

 And so someone had mentioned to me, why don't you you know, Coach Special Needs families. And, you know, I gave them the same spiel that I just told you. And I said, I don't I don't know how but they said, What else do you have more experience in than this? Right? So you have over two decades of living this life with a community being her advocate, you know, being her parents? And how else could you better serve people and help them by giving back some of what you've learned? And so I started to embrace that. And I went to go and I didn't think, you know, even though you could just wake up tomorrow and say your life coach, I didn't think that that would be enough. I wanted to give, you know my clients more and be well informed when I was coaching them. So I decided to go for my psychology degree. And I will be done with that. In Well, may I get off the stage, but I won't be done until August. But I've actually learned a whole lot, you know, by going through the classes and seeing the inside of the way that people think. And it's been very beneficial in my business and I now I have clients that I love talking to and I feel like I am helping and I have a purpose and I don't think I'd be able to get to where I am now if my kids weren't older because when they were younger there wasn't this awkward Ready to take time to do something for myself, but I've definitely found what I believe I'm good at, and that I can use to help others with. So

 

Chad Ratliffe  25:11

I love it, you really give us your testament to, back to what you said about there are seasons. And that, you know, because sometimes in the middle of what I'm doing, it just feels like this is how life is going to be forever. And there's never going to be time for anything else. But the seasons do come and go. And it's amazing that you've embraced it the way you have. And I had the same feeling that you did about the, I didn't want to be involved with more special needs things and until I realized I am uniquely qualified for the position, right? Just as you're uniquely qualified, to help people that are just starting on the journey and have no idea what steps to take. So I think it's awesome that you are embracing that, and helping and you help anybody in the family or just parents,

 

Heather  26:07

absolutely anybody in the family, usually, you know, a parent will come to me. But you know, I've helped as far as I've helped siblings, I've helped family members outside of the immediate family, you know, just cope with living life with the special needs child. But then also like a lot of what you're talking about, people don't know what they want to do, what their purpose is outside of living this life, you know, they feel like this is all there's going to be, you know, going to wake up tomorrow, it's going to be the same exact way. So I help them plan, you know, for their future and the goals that they might have reach them and feel like they can do other things. And it's okay.

 

Chad Ratliffe  26:43

Awesome. Can you work with people from anywhere? Or do they have to be in a certain area?

 

Heather  26:51

No. So my business is completely online. And so it makes it easy to work with anyone from anywhere.

 

Chad Ratliffe  26:58

That's great. So how do people get in touch with you? And if you can tell us, but then also, if you can send me any information that we can put in the show notes later for anybody that wants to reach out, but how can people reach you?

 

Heather  27:10

Sure. So if you just search up my name, you know, on any kind of social media, Heather wrench, or the name of my business, which is accept defeat life coaching, you should be able to find me on all of the major social media outlets. I am mostly on Facebook. However, like I said, I have a profile everywhere there is to have one. So have a ranch, except the feet life coaching, you should be able to find me.

 

Chad Ratliffe  27:36

Awesome. Could you have imagined that you'd have a profile on every social media channel 1015 years ago?

 

Heather  27:45

No, absolutely not. Especially like I said, because I didn't think I was a people person. And all I wanted to do is get through the next day live life with my family and not be noticed. And now it's just the exact opposite. But

 

Chad Ratliffe  28:00

that's amazing. At the beginning of the show I I mentioned the question of if your child will ever leave home. And I think that that's maybe it's a fear I've had it's definitely a thought I've had many times in my life. Can you tell us about that for you?

 

Heather  28:21

Yes. So I've tried for half of her life, not to think about it, right. And I just hoped because I had other kids that they would hurry up and grow up so that somebody else would be old enough to take care of her if I wasn't able to write so we could keep her all in the family and all to ourselves. And we knew we're better than anyone else. And that was like my plan, just cross my fingers and hope that we will all live to see when everyone is old enough to transfer the responsibility, right.

 

 And I now say that is a terrible blend. You know, I've seen in other families and then in my own life happens, things change circumstances come into our lives that we don't expect. And we have to be able to have a plan to meet them. And I got over that phase here recently, and I decided that I was going to start making a plan that if she never leaves home, what that's gonna look like, and although we've settled into her being at home, and it's still my plan to take care of her full time 24/7 Until I can't anymore. Now I'm starting to look behind the scenes and see what it might look like if she doesn't live here. You know, if I get too old or I'm not able, and then having that conversation with my family that it's okay if I'm not here anymore. I'm not able and you guys can't take care of her that you know we have a plan B and that way there's no hard feelings.

 

 There's no pressure, there's no resentment. It's just all up on the table. Right. So, for now my plans are totally consumed with Taking care of her. So anytime we make plans for a long trip, she's in them, you know, we don't leave her behind. We just make accommodations for her. Right? And, and that's sort of how we went about dealing with it. And now we're just trying to be a little more open minded and come up with that plan B, for the unexpected.

 

Chad Ratliffe  30:23

Taking your child on the trip with you and making accommodations, we'll leave that topic for another conversation. That is certainly one that I've struggled with, on both sides, leaving him at home and feeling Yeah, it taking him with and the challenges that that entails. But like I said, we'll save that for another show. I feel like your kids are so lucky to have somebody as loving. And as consistent as you are, I feel that God has blessed them with a parent like you, and I'm assuming your husband. And I think it's great to know that there's four kids out there that have people in their corner that love them, because I don't think everybody has that.

 

Heather  31:11

I appreciate that.

 

Chad Ratliffe  31:14

Just kind of in closing, either from what we've talked about, or just whatever's on your heart, what do you say to the person who's at the beginning of your journey? And they have all these questions, and they have no answers. And they don't think that they have what it takes to carry out what's needed to care for this child. What do you say to them?

 

Heather  31:40

So I would say this, first and foremost, you can do it alone, but you are not alone. Right. And so embracing the community, the special needs community, the supports that are out there and available, they have so much more now than when my daughter was young, asking for help. It's okay to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. You know, we all learn things differently at different times in our lives. And I'm still learning. So being open to learning. Also, understanding that your journey is going to be very different than the next person, even if your child has the same diagnoses.

 

 And being willing to accept that life, while it may look different, is not necessarily bad, it's just different. And then also, really just forgiving yourself for the expectations you might have had that your child doesn't live up to. And adapting those expectations into the best way to support your child is some of the greatest helps that I found over my own journey that could help anyone that's just getting started.

 

Chad Ratliffe  32:54

That's awesome. So anyone in naked parent nation that's listening, if you need some support, you can find Heather bench, on social media and on different online channels. And Heather, I want to thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to be with us and share your heart and your knowledge. And I hope we can stay connected and continue this journey together. And I wish you and your family all the best.

 

Heather  33:21

Absolutely, I look forward to it. And about those onesies. If you turn them around backwards. It makes all the difference when they learn how to unsnap them.

 

Chad Ratliffe  33:30

Haha. Thank you very much. Have a great day.

 

Heather  33:35

Thank you. Bye.

 

33:40

This concludes our show for today. And I'd like to personally thank you for spending the time with us on a topic near and dear to our hearts. If you'd like to be part of the naked parent nation, and help us reach those parents that are struggling and overwhelmed, there's no better way to help them by subscribing rating and reviewing the show on iTunes. iTunes highlights the shows based on these metrics.

 

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