Show Notes

 

"We’re a functioning dysfunctional family of 6. My stepson is 7 and potentially on the spectrum, but hasn’t been tested. He lives with us. He has severe behavioral and emotional issues(he was with his mother but she couldn’t handle him and basically was like, I’m done you keep him) while his sister, my stepdaughter, who is 5, lives with her mother and we see her whenever mom allows it. I have a 6-year-old daughter that my husband has adopted and we have a 2-year-old son that is on the spectrum. I spend most of my days with him going to therapy or playgroups so he can socialize or do therapy at home.

 I’ve gotten pretty good at finding a balance between focusing on my younger son during the school week and my older kids after school on the weekends, but it is still overwhelming at times and I do worry if my daughter is slipping through the cracks because so much of my time has to go towards her brothers and their special needs and accommodations."

 

Are you still in shock that you are a parent of a special-needs child?
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You will learn how to deal with your non-verbal child with a sensory processing disorder, seizures, meltdowns, haircuts, and family trips. Embark on a journey of consciousness, self-care & meditation.

My name is Chad Ratliffe. I am a single father of 5 kids 6 years of age (8-14) and 2 with special needs. 5 years ago, in a nasty divorce, my depression led me to drug addiction and hopelessness. Today, I share with others a life I never imagined possible.

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SUMMARY KEYWORDS

kids, parents, child, mom, mother, feel, life, special needs children, today, naked, blended family, family, support, great, months, years, school, son, healing, coherence

SPEAKERS

Annie Goss, Chad Ratliffe

 

Annie  00:00

When it comes to special needs as well, like it's library, there aren't Special Needs groups. So if you're looking for parents with special needs children, talk to the parents in the lobby of the you know, wherever your kids going to therapy, if they have, you know, physical therapy, you know, cognitive behavioral problems, whatever it is, a lot of great resources can be found in those parents, because they know what you're going through because it's what their child's going through. And it is really hard. So having somebody that I can sit to in the lobby and talk about, Hey, is your child doing this? What do you do about it? What resources do you use where you guys meet up to play maybe we can get together for a playdate and not feeling like I'm the only person in the world dealing with this is a great thing to have.

 

Chad Ratliffe  00:43

Welcome to the daily naked parent podcast brought to you by Rocco blue. The first ever brand focused on supporting parents with special needs children. Naked parent nation is a group of parents with special needs children who are willing to give all the rubble stripped it all down and take a look at ourselves, our parents, our family and our plans create a life beyond our wildest dreams. On today's episode, we'll be discussing blended families. Hello naked parent nation and welcome to today's episode of The Naked parent podcast. My name is Chad ratliffe and I'm your host before I introduce you to our guests today, let me start by sharing a message from naked parent nation.

 

 Naked parent nations a worldwide community of parents and professionals raising children with all kinds of needs. We come together to share a Naked Truth support our fellow parents and inspire the inner growth that each of us needs to build the life and family of our dreams. For the parents that are struggling, we want you to know that we will love you until you can love yourself for your children we pray and send power from our collective group. As we come to understand our divine nature, we realize that there's no need to feel sorry for ourselves, be angry or feel lack come to understand that our feelings of limitation and separation are only in our minds. Through Self Realization, we expand our consciousness so that the challenges that perplex us today dissipate one by one until we're able to see and experience gratitude and beauty in everything just as it is. We have the power to create any kind of life we want for ourselves and our families. We do this by living to the naked present moment, one day at a time. Naked parenting is the process of moving from where you are today to liberation. Naked parenting understands that the mind is responsible for all our problems on our journey. We will eliminate suffering so that we can be present joy filled in order to give our children the best version of ourselves. So if you're ready to continue your journey of consciousness and awareness that I'd like to welcome you to naked parent nation and the naked parent podcast. So as we do before we get to our conversation. Let's take a moment to get centered. Take a moment for ourselves.

 

 If you want to sit up straight with your spine erect. Just let your eyes close. Just get conscious of your breath. Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it and then exhale, relax. On this next inhale, I want you to tense your fist and all the muscles in your body and hold it at the top. Then tighten. And then exhale relaxed. And then one more time. Inhale intense hold. Exhale, relaxed and as you sit with your eyes closed, taking in the sounds of the room or the way your body feels. See if there's any sense of tingling in your fingers or your legs and just be where you are trying to open your heart while you're conscious of your breath, imagine your heart opening imagine breathing in to your heart as you sit in quiet I want to share are with you. Attorney I had last week at a Dr. Joe Dispenza meditation retreat.

 

While people were meditating, and doing heart and brain coherence. There were two people with blindness when they came in having spontaneous remission, who were able to see after meditation. There was a lady who was in a wheelchair, it's 20 years that after a coherence healing got up out of her wheelchair, and walked around the room. And there's brain coherence healings being done with special needs children, and we're just scratching the surface of it. So while you take these moments to connect with your body and your breath in your heart, just start to imagine believe explore the possibilities that are out there for ourselves and our children. And we'll explore more of those meditation practices and coherence healings on the show. Today, I just wanted to share that there's a lot of power within us. And there's a lot of potential in the power that we have and the powers of the world. So as you take another deep breath, and you come back into the room to continue with the show. Just keep that in the back of your your head. But I'd like to introduce you to Annie gace Hi, Annie, thanks for being on the show today.

 

Annie  07:05

No problem. I'm excited for it.

 

Chad Ratliffe  07:07

So you have a big family a big a big blended family going on. Is that right?

 

Annie  07:14

My husband and I we met in high school, but my mother was military. So we moved to Nebraska like four months after we met, we stayed in contact but being in Nebraska and had being in Florida. long distances wasn't really an option. We both dimensionally married the wrong other people. I had a child he had two children. We got divorced but suspect divorced. Mine, the father wasn't interested in staying in my child's life, his mother, his children, their mother was. So she's still involved in their life. But mine wasn't. So he signed up for his rights and my husband, a doctor after we've been married legally for six months, because that's just how it works in the state of Florida. And then we had a child together. And I'm done. No more. Can't do it. Can't do it. No.

 

Chad Ratliffe  08:00

So can you tell us the ages of all the kids? Yes. My

 

Annie  08:03

stepson is seven, my daughter is six, his My stepdaughter, his daughter is five and ours will be three in one month.

 

Chad Ratliffe  08:13

Well, that sounds very familiar to me. I have five within six years. So you have a lot in a very short orders. Can you tell us who has the unique needs in the family.

 

Annie  08:26

So in a way, I would say all of them. My daughter is definitely ADHD. I have ADHD myself. I can already see the signs in her but I'm holding off on testing until she reads third grade because that's what the school recommends, especially when it comes to medications like Adderall. I really don't want her to be heavily medicated until she's a little bit older. My stepson, I believe and from what he's in therapy, and his therapist is recommended that he'd be tested for autism and ADHD, but his mother is not on board with it. And we can't do it without her permission.

 

So unfortunately, he just doesn't get to have the help that the other two my biological children get to have. And then the one who I would say is most effective would be my son. He will be three next month and he is mostly nonverbal, who has a lot of issues with like controlling his behavior, his emotions, just like more of the stereotypical signs to hand flapping, spinning in circles, fixated on things, repetition of phrases. He likes a very controlled environment. And if the environment varies in any way that displeases Him, everybody in the room is going to hear it.

 

Chad Ratliffe  09:38

Wow. When did the signs start looking like you weren't expecting?

 

Annie  09:45

I honestly would say from the very beginning. Well, about two weeks after he was born, I took my kids threw them in Florida to a waterpark. I wasn't swimming because he was so young. I was just kind of laying there with him like held to my chest and one of those little bundles things, and the other kids were playing in the splashpad. As I'm laying there, he was totally calm, you know, to hear him breathing. And then he just screamed, this unholy Banshee screech, I've never heard anything like it. And I think for that moment, I knew I was like, that's I Something's off.

 

 And then you know, as you continue to develop, he was always slower than all my other children who was the last one to walk. He's the last one to speak word. Still, to this day, he speaks about maybe 12 words. And he didn't speak really until after 18 months, I just, you know, once he was not hitting these markers, so we had to he was, I knew that there was something wrong. But there were other ways that he excelled where the other children worked in. And he's very good at recognizing patterns, he's very good at figuring out how things work and putting them together, even though he can't speak, I can give him like a broken like a piece of like a toy. And I take like lid off. And if at the base here and the pieces here. And within like two minutes he's about to put together, even though he's not even three years old. So I knew that there was something special about him, but I didn't know exactly what it was. And so after, I would say about maybe his shoe month, his two year old Wild check appointment at the doctor's office, and then we were going through the mile markers, and he was not hitting a lot of them. And they're like, described from his behavior. I definitely think that he's on the spectrum. But the waitlist is a year long. So we this whole year, we've been waiting, and we finally, finally last week, got approved for screening. And we're going to be doing that at the beginning of June. And then that's just the screening. We can't even get the diagnosis until August because they won't start until the next school year.

 

Chad Ratliffe  11:38

Wow. Was the doctor on the same? Were you in the pediatrician on the same page with what you were seeing?

 

Annie  11:45

Yeah, I mean, I always thought that, you know, it wasn't anything just from like Google searches going. I'm not a doctor that autism sounded like what was happening here. And then a neighbor from across the street from his parents, they have a son who has sensory processing disorder and is also on the spectrum. And every single symptom that they mentioned, lined up with mine perfectly. And I was like, That's it? That's the one I know it is 100% No, no. I mean, the repetition of the phrases, the spinning the hands, every single thing are like, yeah, are scented all of that. And we got a pal, we got him into speech therapy and physical therapy and occupational therapy. No, my son at the same center that they go to. And that's what we've been doing now for a few months. And he's gotten a lot better, but he still has a long way to go.

 

Chad Ratliffe  12:29

And there's a lot going on at your house being a parent is hard enough blended families, lots of kids, and then you throw in these things that you weren't planning on. I mean, how are you dealing with that as a mom as a human being as

 

Annie  12:44

even just a blended family. So we are living with my in laws right now because his uncle experienced homelessness during COVID. And our house was a three bedroom, two bath, we have six people. So we all already wanted to upgrade houses, we're like, oh, you can live in our house. You know, just pay like the mortgage a little bit extra and you know, fix everything yourself, like and then we could use that money to get a bigger house. We did not realize how bad the market was going to be. So we've been living here for six months. And two bedrooms.

 

So you know we used to have three now we have two two bedrooms of his parents house. One is for us. I don't know if you can see that right there. That used to be my son's bed but now my daughter's sleeping in it because my son being in the bedroom with us for whatever reason was setting him off. So now we put him in the other bedroom with his older brother. And then I don't even know what we're gonna do when stepdaughter gets here after summer break. So it's been kind of chaos. Yeah, for sure. So you

 

Chad Ratliffe  13:47

have like, really you got a positive vibe about you? Has this stressed and strained and pushed you? Yeah,

 

Annie  13:55

it has I actually started developing some medical symptoms and I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me right now. But as of right now they're thinking lupus, but I'm supposed to meet with a neurologist next month to see if it could be MS and then also a rheumatologist in case it is lupus or I lasted to learn how to treat that. But then I also have to see a where it's not coming to me right now but cancer doctor because it could be with some of the symptoms because lupus and leukemia, they want to roll it out.

 

 But it's not completely off the table yet. And that has been incredibly difficult is on top of raising special needs children and living with my in laws and a very small confined space with conflicting views. So I figured I can either sink into this darkness of I could have cancer, I could have these serious disabilities I could lose my ability to walk. I could you know, I don't know if my son's ever going to talk. I don't know if we're ever going to find a house or I continue moving forward and I'm choosing moving forward because it is just easier than deal. With all of that, and the moment,

 

Chad Ratliffe  15:01

are there some things that you're doing that are making it possible for you to move forward because some people want to move forward, but the depression or whatever just becomes so debilitating, just can't get out of bed. Sometimes there are

 

Annie  15:16

times when I get to that point, and I'm thankful that I do have some family and I'm kind of building my own tribe, like other mothers, other special needs mothers, other single mothers, but we can be there and we can support each other. Unfortunately, you know, Gen X, and millennials kind of got the short end of the stick when it came to grandparents, grandparents aren't as involved. Or like with my parents, they live in Huntsville, Alabama. So they did try to be involved as much as they can, but they really physically can't. And my husband's parents, you know, while they're letting us live here, they aren't the most involved with their grandchildren. So we don't get a lot of time alone, we don't get you know, like date nights, we don't get time to ourselves, especially me because he's working.

 

And I'm here with the kids pretty much 24/7. But I have a really great sister in law, she has two teenage daughters that are willing to help out. And that's kind of given us that break. I've made some great new friends and these parents support groups and Washington support groups that we get together, and we have playdates or you know, like I take the kids and she has time. And then you know she'll Washington for me so that I can have time. So making that time for self care and going out and making those connections are really important, I think, for being able to move forward and move past that depression and the anxiety and the overwhelming awesomeness it is to be a mother in today's world.

 

Chad Ratliffe  16:33

It can become isolating to go down this path. That's what I hear a lot. What do you recommend to that parent that's feeling isolated? How do they reach out? What's that, I

 

Annie  16:44

would say start with your local library. You know, a lot of people think libraries are dying, but a lot of them have a lot of great resources. And I started with the one in Huntsville, Huntsville is amazing, because it's a mostly European populated community. And they pour a lot of money into public resources, like libraries, community centers, etc. Here in Florida, understands this not so much. But they still do have some programs, and a lot of it is funded through people who go there. So we donate and try to get as much as we can. So other parents can have these resources.

 

 But it's where I met the other mothers, you know, and toddler storytime, family Art Night, family board game time, and then you reach out and you communicate with these other families that are there. I'm luckily enough to be a more extroverted person. So it's not as hard for me as it is for maybe someone who's more introverted. But if you're really feeling that isolation, I think you just have to push past that anxiety at some point. So you can have those resources if you don't have a support system.

 

Chad Ratliffe  17:42

Yeah, I hope that the listeners that are more introverted, and Keynote can get some kind of motivation from what you're saying, because depression on your own, just gets just gets darker and darker. So

 

Annie  17:59

when it comes to special needs, as well, like at the library, there aren't Special Needs groups. So if you're looking for parents with special needs children, talk to the parents in the lobby of the you know, wherever your kids going to therapy, if they have you know, physical therapy, you know, cognitive behavioral problems, whatever it is, a lot of great resources can be found in those parents, because they know what you're going through, because it's what their child's going through. And it is really hard. So having somebody that I can sit to in the lobby and talk about, Hey, is your child doing this? What do you do about it? What resources do you use where you guys meet up to play? Maybe we can get together for a playdate and not feeling like I'm the only person in the world dealing with this is a great thing to have.

 

Chad Ratliffe  18:42

Yeah, so if all of this isn't enough, you get into these blended family situations in your stepsons mom who's you know, maybe not

 

Annie  18:52

every she pulled her son up. My son is seven years old. And he's in kindergarten because she pulled him out due to refusal of a COVID test because she thinks that COVID tests and checked microchips into the brain and I'm not even kidding. I wish I was joking about all of the stuff that we've had to put up with her over the years with the whole tinfoil hat conspiracy theories, microchips. COVID is a conspiracy blah, blah, blah. Mental illness isn't real disabilities aren't real doctors created them and Big Pharma created them leech off of all aware like No, no, but it I think that was probably the hardest part. For me. The one thing that I can't push past and one thing about like the depression that you know, no reaching out is going to ever helped me, is it my ability to help that child is limited. I can love him as much as I want. I can take him and do things. I can bind him things but I can't get him to help if his parents won't sign off on it and if his mother is against it, and that's really all that we can do.

 

Chad Ratliffe  19:51

That's heavy. That's heavy. How much does he know or not know about? Having said Some challenges like to see feel

 

Annie  20:03

if he is on the spectrum. And again, we are not 100% Sure. And he is very high functioning. He's actually very intelligent. He reads on a third grade level, I would say that his biggest issue is controlling his anger and his behavioral issues. He gets, you know, like they have this color system at a school where you lose the highest metallurgist, and suddenly, so just go read, read, read, read, read, read, read, because he loses a game of soccer, and he just can't handle it, he does not have the ability to process his emotions, like other, you know, normal able bodied people do. So he goes ballistic, he screams, he throws things he breaks stuff he throws himself on the floor makes Ted I don't know, like, Lucas, why are you doing this, and he's just like, I don't know.

 

 And, you know, part of me is just like, I don't know, if he doesn't know, because he's in therapy, the best we can do, because she won't sign off on therapy outside of school, the school is fortunately the one we went to, or the one that my children go to, has on site therapy in groups to help children like Lucas, but that's the best that we can do is like in our group, at school, with, you know, like eight other kids, we don't get as much one on one time as I would like. But from what I've heard from his psychologists, and school psychologists is that Lucas is very intelligent. He's very aware of his actions, but he's telling me that he's not. And you know, she's a school psychologist, she's not an autism specialist. So I don't really know which way to go with that.

 

Other than Gina, just keep supporting him keep helping keep being there for him. But again, there's really not a lot I can do when mom won't sign off on it. I've gotten some books in the library, I mimic some of the behavior that I see with my step with my with my own son in therapy, and I tried to do like kind of home therapy with my stepson. But it's just so much different because he is so much higher functioning, and because they are so different in age, and he's almost five years older than my son. I don't really know what I'm doing is even helping at this point.

 

Chad Ratliffe  22:04

Well, it sounds like your heart's in the right place. And I tend to believe that when you lead with love, it's gotta be the right thing. Man, this whole, like CO parent does is it is the custody split or

 

Annie  22:18

so that was another issue that we have with her. So when they got divorced, that Sandra hit his mother was like, I want the school years and you can have the summers and no child support was to be paid on either side. And I think the reason why she did that was because she, you know, can come and go as she pleases, and then she will never be the one responsible for child support. So up until Lucas starting school, we had them you know, like 1011 months out of the year, no support whatsoever. If she didn't contact like, she doesn't make phone calls, she doesn't make time for the kids. And then you know, they started school and suddenly, boom, these kids were ripped out and they were in school, but then the whole COVID thing happened. And she's like, Oh, it's causing microchips in the brain, pull them out of school. They were supposed to visit us for Christmas. And then they were here for like six months. And then she came back like, you know, school, you're supposed to start again. She's like, Okay, I'm back. We're gonna try kindergarten again. And then again, Christmas happen again. Same thing. She just never came back. She came back for her daughter.

 

But she didn't come back for her son because her daughter, My stepdaughter doesn't have the same issues that Lucas has. She is I guess what you would call normal, you know, able bodied doesn't have any ADHD symptoms, autism symptoms, dyslexia symptoms, and she's really sweet. She's very easygoing. She doesn't throw a lot of tantrums. She's always been mild mannered ever since she was a baby. And I think that standards just like I'd rather deal with the easy kid. And not to mention that Lily looks like her. And look, this looks like my husband. And I personally think that she might have a bit of narcissism and that bag and that favoritism and the fact that this child looks like me, and this one doesn't. So it's very blatantly obvious that that is her favorite child, and that he gets put on the backburner. And that is really something that's hard to deal with and hard to see. Because I feel like I can't make you some other love him. I can only do what I can do. But it's still heartbreaking to know that child is going through that pain of feeling rejected by the person who's supposed to love you.

 

Chad Ratliffe  24:25

Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm not qualified in any way to diagnose nor do I even know if that's worthwhile. But that's the thought that came to my head because in my personal situation, even when my kids mom would see the kids she wouldn't see the our child that has the severe and I believe that my kids mom is, you know, a narcissist, and it just breaks my heart. Again, when I use I mean, she doesn't even see any of them anymore. But when she did have sending the four kids off, and he stays, I just don't I mean, I don't know, I could never imagine doing that in reverse, I would just feel too bad for doing it. Even if I felt I couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it just because of not wanting to do that to somebody, your own mom,

 

Annie  25:23

I think, why I connect so much with you know, or why I feel like I want to save my stepson so much, or why give him so much tension is because I've been in that situation myself. My biological father is a narcissist. And I don't look like him. I look like my mother, my sister looked like him. And it was again blatant, he did not want to spend time with me, he actually suggested when my parents got divorced, parent trapping me and my sister, my mom would have me and he would have my sister and they would never see each other again. And my mom was like, No, we are not doing that. What is wrong with you. But every time like, you know, he would come and go, in the years, I wouldn't hear anything from him. And then we would come and go, and he only wants to talk with my sister, he didn't really want to spend time with me my birthday, he would give presents to my sister.

 

But I never got presents on my sister's birthday. Once we got enough to have cellphones, who would call her never really called me didn't want anything really to do with me. And then once I turned 18, you know, you continue to have a relationship with her, but not with me. And it got to the point though, where my sister would he, even though he did favor her, he was still a terrible father to both of us. And he didn't show up at her college graduation. After telling her for weeks, months, days, I'm going to be there, I'm gonna be there. Don't worry, I'm checking into hotel now and didn't show up. And she's like, You know what? I'm done. Well, and both of us have been really no contact with him with like the last five years. But having gone through that personal leave that feeling rejected by somebody who's supposed to love me, and seeing that favoritism firsthand. And I'm like, I'm not going to let him feel that way. I'm going to do everything I can in my power to make sure that he doesn't feel that way.

 

 I know that my mom did the best that she could, you know, but she was also working full time military gone all the time, she was always deployed. So I really didn't have either of my biological parents there while I was growing up, especially during that vulnerable stage of puberty. And I was just there with my stepdad. And I don't ever want my kids to feel the way that I felt.

 

Chad Ratliffe  27:22

Wow. Well, that's your kids are lucky to have someone who's looking out for them in that way. How challenging is it for your husband, to interact between mom and

 

Annie  27:35

this is an issue that we have me and him personally in our marriage. Like you need to call her up to find out what's going on. And I mean, he's not entirely wrong, because she does change her mind quickly. She's like, Oh, yeah, I'm going to pick them up with this date. And then she doesn't or I'm going to do this and then she does something completely opposite. And so I get where he's coming from the fact that you can't really make a plan, but it's so frustrating for me because it's like, can you at least try to make a plan she fails and you know, at least I know that it's not on your end, but you know, getting him to communicate with her is like pulling teeth. Very difficult. And he doesn't like do it.

 

He's like I just you know, she's just gonna do whatever she wants to do anyway, so I don't want to I don't wanna do I'm like well you have to because these kids are gonna grow up they're gonna remember you know that dad didn't call mom etc you know like we've been down communication thing that you know, he tries and I will give him credit. He does try to communicate with she half the time she fails. So sad sometimes it's like, what's the point? She's just going to not answer the phone anyway.

 

And like well, at least you can say that you tried but it is very difficult for dad to deal with that it's difficult for all of us to deal with it and you know, I don't really know what we can do besides going back and forth and forth but neither of us are wealthy we can't afford you know a $20,000 custody battle especially not at this point in our life so we just kind of have to accept at this point it's gonna be and just do the best that we can always make sure that when my stepdaughter does visit then up until this point they've never been separated into this last visit it was always look at someone here look similarly there now this is a person that's really been like parent trapped and they're separate.

 

But she when she does if she does come to the center because again, we still haven't gotten any confirmation from mother whether or not she's gonna take Lucas with summer is slowly going to come here for the summer. Are they both gonna be here for the school year? We can't get any answers out of her but if she does, I always make sure to just like jam packed the itinerary. So that way that the moments that she does have here are good and positive ones.

 

And it's not just I hung out at dad's house all year you know, all we can we didn't do anything or whatever, however long she's gonna be here. So I'm like, let's go to the zoo. So the experience go to the beach and go to the park. Lots and lots and lots and lots of you know, positive and family time because I remember also growing up with the narcissistic dad who would take us And we would just sit on his couch. And he would have to ignore the fact that we were even there. So that's even forgot that we were there. And he just like came out of the shower with no clothes. I was like, Oh, I forgot you guys were here. Let me go get a towel like. So I also want to make sure that my kids, my stepkids don't feel like we don't love them, or that we're not trying or that we don't care, because we don't have the money to fight for them right now,

 

Chad Ratliffe  30:21

a lot of moving parts. I'm gonna go back to the question that we kind of brought up earlier. I mean, a lot of this stuff can be debilitating and can just kind of push a person over the edge, it can push relationships over the edge. I mean, it's tough to, to work through some of these things. Are there some things that you guys are doing that's working to help you get through some of these challenges?

 

Annie  30:46

I think that now that I found that group of mothers that support system that I can actually rely on. And taking that time to spend together is really important, and making sure that we don't kill each other. You know, we mean that grown up adults alone time to reconnect and talk about what were our next step is what are we going to do this summer? What are we going to do parenting? How are things going with your career, how are things going at home or things with your health, you know, we need that time. And unfortunately, with him, you know, working two jobs, you know, some days, he's gone all day, all night, I don't even see him, just taking that time off on the two days that he does have to just be together and communicate and have those things is really, really important.

 

 As far as like keeping the family together. Because there are many times when I feel like we've had a come apart and like this, uh, you know, I'm like holding this whole family together, and I can't do it anymore. Because we just didn't have the time. You know, mother would say, Oh, I'll use it for you. And then she canceled the very last minute or even when, then it we only get an offer like once every six months. Families need more couples need more time than every four to six months to have time alone. And not just to have time alone, but time to themselves. He needs time to go be with his friends. He needs time to be alone. I need time to be with my friends without kids and time to be alone. And having that support system building up that network of other moms, single moms Special Needs Moms, whatever it is that you have cousins, aunts uncles having that it takes a village mentality. I think it's the best thing that anybody can do for themselves in today's age of society.

 

Chad Ratliffe  32:35

I agree. How are the kids doing? kind of blending getting along? Not getting along? How's that going?

 

Annie  32:44

I think we were fortunate in the fact that Brian and I got together when my stepson was two and my stepdaughter wasn't even a year old. So and my daughter was one she was almost two and my stepson was almost three, but they don't remember a time in which they weren't in each other's lives. They don't remember mom and dad being married. And then the evil stepmom that came to take them away from you know, their mom. And even when they weren't together. You know, Cassandra, she's just kind of a neglectful mother, even when she does have the kids. She doesn't really, it's about her because she's in our sistex about what I want to do. It's not about what the kids want, or what's best for them. It's about what do I want, I want to stay home and watch TV. So and I want to watch this show, even though it's not a kid show. But my kids are gonna sit on the couch and they're gonna watch it because that's what I want to do versus me. I'm like, let's go out let's do things, go to parks, go practice, go for nature, walks, etc. But I think having the fact that they wasn't so drastic of a plunge in the fact that their mom wasn't already the greatest mom, you know, she wasn't like the super mom, they had an awesome home life before I came into the picture.

 

Versus like now they definitely I mean, my subscribers told me that I'm the favorite mom, I don't like using that word. And I tell them, you know, like don't say that kind of stuff. It's quite your mom's feelings. But I think that definitely made it a lot easier as far as that transition as far as blending. I think the hardest part is what is that period from when they come back to their mom's house because she's neglectful because she doesn't enforce rules because she you know, all of that's going on, in my in versus my household. And with my children, the rules are always the same. It's consistent. Bedtime says, you know, we're on a schedule here.

 

This is how we're gonna do things. That adjustment period can be very difficult for my stepchildren, but not so much more for my other children. You know, they're very excited when stepchildren come to visit and come to stay with us. And once we get past that period of this is how things are and you're just going to have to accept it. It moves a lot smoother from there. I think the hard part though, is the fact that it's not consistent. There's not oh, we're gonna have the kids great these months and she's gonna have a nice months and that's the way it's going to be forever. The cuz she's so like, I'm taking the kids now. It's been two weeks, I'm giving them back. I'm taking them for, you know, two months, I can't do it anymore. Here you go. That's really hard for any child to process.

 

Chad Ratliffe  35:11

Totally. My kids mom isn't, you know, she's she's struggling with a drug problem. And she hasn't even seen him in a few years at this point. And it's almost easier. It's most easier. Exactly. Because you don't I don't have the drama of, you know, and all that. That, you know, because everything was a game, even when it didn't have to be like everything was it's almost like, she was doing it on purpose to just make everything more difficult than it had to be.

 

Annie  35:39

That's definitely like, I totally 100% agree with that. I wish that I'm just kind of like, you know, what, if you're gonna be a deadbeat, just be a consistent one, you know, like, drop out and don't come back. If you don't want to be a mom, you're not interested in it, you know, one, stop having kids, you get sense here, she's gonna abort, she's had another child. And I think she's had a couple other pregnancies end in miscarriage, etc. But I'm like, if you're not, I understand that first time having a child and maybe you aren't ready for it, maybe you don't want to be a mom, maybe this isn't what you thought you were gonna be in, you want to dip out, whatever. But after that, after you realize this just isn't for you stop having kids.

 

And if you're going to be a deadbeat, and you're nothing other kids, like, stop coming back, let them build a family unit with somebody who's stable, cares about them. But somebody who makes their interests the priority, and just don't come back, you know, you're only going to keep hurting them by inconsistently leaving and coming into their lives. And I definitely feel that because again, my dad would be like, I'm in your life, and I'm involved. And then he would just disappear for years, and I didn't hear anything from him. And then suddenly, he's apologizing. He wants me back in my life, and my mom every single time, for whatever reason, let him to come back into our lives. And then he would hurt us again and again. And again. Let's say the last time that he hurt us, we were both adults. And we were just we don't have to force to have this relationship with him anymore. And I think both of us are on the patient. That's not going to happen. But I just wish that with her she would, you know, I don't know why she does it. I think it's the same thing.

 

 I think she doesn't because she enjoys the drama. Or maybe she feels guilty like that. She's supposed to be this kind of mom, but she's not. And she's just not capable of being it. But she feels like all of this pressure from like social media and from other people like where are your kids? That Oh, well, I guess I have to be involved. But I wish that she just wouldn't.

 

Chad Ratliffe  37:32

Yeah, we have Alicia listening to the show. And she's agreeing and empathizing with a lot that you're going through? Yeah. Can you tell us just kind of what does your ideal life look like?

 

Annie  37:43

Well, my ideal life before I got sick, I just wanted to get a house, you know, in a nice school district had a cookie cutter life, you know, take my kids to sports and take Mike and you know, travel during the summers, I My dream is to see all 50 United States. But now that I'm sick, I'm thinking more leaning towards joining a caravan soil life and homeschooling because before I got sick, I thought, you know, I know that we don't know when we're going to die. But I definitely felt more confident in the fact that I was going to live to like 60 7080 years old. And now the fact that I could have cancer, I could have MS, I could lose my ability to walk, I could have lupus, my kidneys could shut down, they're already not functioning, well, my livers not doing great. I don't know what's going on with me, my hair's falling out all these things that are going on.

 

 As they're going with my husband, I'm like, Look, I want to take the time that I have left, and I want to do what I want to do, I want to see the world, you know, and I just, we don't know now, how much longer it's going to be. So I think that's if I'm medically able to, it's kind of what I would like to do. But if I'm not, then, you know, I don't really know what the future is gonna look like, I guess just settling down with the house and doing the best I can. But hopefully, I will be medically able to do this for as long as I can before I get kind of grounded, and then just going back to that cookie cutter lifestyle. But even then, you know, I don't know if I'm able to do what I wanted to do, which is like, you know, taking my kids, their sports and activities aren't really healthy enough to go and do those things. So that would be really, I guess, depressing for me, you know, being able to be stuck at home and not being able to be the mother that I want to be. So that's why I'm kind of like just going back and forth between that caravan. But I think that's what I really want to do. As of right now.

 

Chad Ratliffe  39:31

One of the things I brought up during the meditation was I was at a meditation retreat last week and they were doing some coherence healings. I just want to open it up to you if you ever feel inspired. And were interested in something like that, you know, please feel free to follow up with me and I would set it up. I think they're doing some amazing things. And I know that everybody has to be in the right headspace for it but I just want that to be an option to you You, if you ever feel like that's something you want to check out, please find out.

 

Annie  40:04

I've ever heard of it until you mentioned it beforehand. I'm not exactly sure what it is to be honest,

 

Chad Ratliffe  40:09

it's pretty amazing. But basically, it's a group of meditators that get a person, all they have to do is know, you know a little bit about the person, what they look like and where they're located. And then they're doing remote kind of meditation, coherence healings, so kind of like Reiki, through video, Reiki I, from what I know, is a little bit more of hands on healing, is that is that right? Or no,

 

Annie  40:37

it's a transfer of energy. From my experience with it, you don't actually touch the person you hold, like, like, say that this the person's arm, the person was raking. They, you know, like, I guess they're like meditation or healing or whatever it is, they transfer their good energy into your body, and they take the negative energy out. And supposedly, it has done great things. I have done it a couple times. And my back does feel better. I don't know if it's just the power of the mind. Or it's, you know, this stuff actually works or what it is, but I definitely recommend it for sure.

 

Chad Ratliffe  41:12

Yeah, so it's similar to this. We did some healings when I was at the retreat, and it's where you know, you'd have somebody laying in front of you. And there were four people on each side. And it was kind of transferring that energy. This is something you can do with anybody anywhere in the world. And it's a team of people that do a healing over whoever it is their healing. So if it's something you're ever interested in, just follow up with me and I'll get you in contact with them. But I'm rooting for you and your family and whatever. Whatever way is, for the greatest potential for you all. One thing we do just to kind of get more of your insight and your journey is we do a lightning round where you give like one sentence to one word answers to a few questions. Are you up for it? Yes. Okay. No Wrong answer. Okay. What's the best advice you have received?

 

Annie  42:07

children's TV show blowing? run your own race?

 

Chad Ratliffe  42:11

I love that. What online course topic? Would you sign up for today? If it was available?

 

Annie  42:17

I don't know if it's an online course or topic, but joining autism support groups online.

 

Chad Ratliffe  42:23

Cool. Do you have a top resource or recommendation to share with other parents?

 

Annie  42:27

Watch Bluie and get involved in your community?

 

Chad Ratliffe  42:30

Yes. What's the next thing on your list that you want to add for your individual well being

 

Annie  42:36

the caravan for sure. More travel more fresh air more outdoor time?

 

Chad Ratliffe  42:40

What's one thing you think would improve your life if you did it or had it

 

Annie  42:43

more fresh air more outdoor time?

 

Chad Ratliffe  42:47

I know I've never seen the questions lineup like they have where it's like the question I just asked you a second ago. But that's the way it's working out right now. Do you have a favorite product you use for yourself or your family that you just love and couldn't live without?

 

Annie  43:02

I'd say getting organized is the best key for Special Needs parents to keep their sanity. So any kind of organizational tool is definitely a must. Right now. Favorite is the the over the door, see a little shoe holder things. I use it for everything. You can hold toys in them keep in the car store bandits for Barbie dolls, and in the kitchen, storing spices. They're amazing. I have like 10 of them, by them, all of them.

 

Chad Ratliffe  43:29

I love it. And I think you've been super authentic. And I've really you know, I'm just inspired by your, you know, sharing your truth and the challenges that you're facing and, and that you're a gamer, you're showing up for them. I commend you for that kind of in closing, what do you say to the parent who wants to be a gamer, but they just, they just feel stuck in the mud. They just feel like they can't get themselves feeling good enough to get out there and try and make things happen. What do you say to them?

 

Annie  44:03

I think the best thing that you can do for yourself is to be yourself authentically. Before I was a mom, I was a dancer, stand up comedian and actor, a singer I did you know, this outgoing flamboyant person. And then I became a mother I was in charge of the Southern life. And I thought that I needed to dole my sparkle to just be with society expected me to be and, you know, after having my son, I realized, why am I doing this? I mean, they're not getting anything out of it. And I'm certainly not getting anything out of it. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I started dressing the way that I did before I had kids and if someone has a problem with it, they can just stop it. And I think that just be who you are, you know going out and you know reaching out to other people. I'm like, why am I staying at home isolating myself when I don't have to? So take the kids to the park, go to the library, good beach, go for a hike, go outdoors, be whoever it is that you Want to be being a mother doesn't have to change that needed as being a father. I think that is the most important lesson that any parent can learn. As long as your kids are happy, healthy, well taken care of live your best life

 

Chad Ratliffe  45:13

will love it. I thank you for making the time to be with us today and share your heart. And I would love to stay connected and kind of continue this journey together. For sure, as a community as friends, and I'm rooting for you and your family. And I just want to thank you and wish you guys a great rest of your day. Okay.

 

Annie  45:33

All right. Thank you so much. Great meeting you.

 

Chad Ratliffe  45:36

All right, so nice to meet you, too. All right, take care. Bye. This concludes our show for today. And I'd like to personally thank you for spending the time with us on a topic near and dear to our hearts. If you'd like to be part of the naked parent nation, and help us reach those parents that are struggling and overwhelmed. There's no better way to help them by subscribing rating and reviewing the show on iTunes. iTunes highlights the shows based on these metrics. And the more the show gets highlighted, the more opportunities people will have to be introduced to the show where they can hear that message of hope, or that tip that can change everything. So follow the link in our show notes. And we hope to have you back here tomorrow where we'll do it again. From the team here at the naked parent podcast. We wish you the life you've always dreamed up and then some so long