Show Notes

 

Angharad Hughes is a coach who works with parents feeling overwhelmed. She talks about the importance of not comparing ourselves to others and using the word "should" less. She works with clients all around the world through Zoom and is currently writing a book called "Speak Your Truth". She explains that everyone needs to take time for themselves, even if it's just a few minutes, and that it's important to remove the guilt associated with that. She talks about how her son said she didn't feel like her parents knew the real him and that she wants to be his true self without shame or judgment. Angharad encourages parents to make the time for themselves to put on their own "gas mask" and remove the guilt associated with it. She encourages them to reach out to a friend, journal, or find a community online with similar stories. She encourages parents to set boundaries and respect them.

 

"I am a Clarity and Mindset Coach and since 2016 I have been successfully facilitating clients toward a path of self-growth and fulfillment. I have trained through The Coaching Academy and The Clique Academy and am a Master NLP practitioner. My practice involves focusing largely on our thoughts and negative beliefs and learning to retrain these to serve us better. I have worked with clients who suffer both from anxiety and depression and together we establish tools and techniques to navigate through life’s daily challenges. I am very excited to be announcing my new Premium 6 Week and 12 Week Courses, which help clients to completely alter thought processes and perspectives, eradicate negative thought patterns, and lead them towards a life that serves them and enhances them 100% ... Want to learn more? Then step inside."

Are you still in shock that you are a parent of a special needs child?
This show is for parents who are morning the loss of the life and child they thought they would have. For parents who are tired, lonely, and see no hope in sight?

You will learn how to deal with your non-verbal child with a sensory processing disorder, seizures, meltdowns, haircuts, and family trips. Embark on a journey of consciousness, self-care & meditation.

My name is Chad Ratliffe. I am a single father of 5 kids 6 years of age (8-14) and 2 with special needs. 5 years ago, in a nasty divorce, my depression led me to drug addiction and hopelessness. Today, I share with others a life I never imagined possible.

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FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/angharadhughescoaching

WEBSITE: https://www.angharadhughes.com/
APPLE PODCAST: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/naked-parent-podcast/id1579108619

DONATE: https://www.patreon.com/thenakedparentpodcast

 

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

journey, parents, put, expectations, school, child, life, behavior, safe, traits, son, clients, experience, naked, guilt, teddy, fear, feel, learning, amazing

SPEAKERS

Angharad Hughes, Chad Ratliffe

 

Chad Ratliffe  00:03

On today's show, we'll be discussing the need for parents to look after themselves first, hello naked parent nation and welcome to today's episode of The Naked parent podcast. My name is Chad ratliffe, and I'm your host. Before I introduce you to our guests today, let me start by sharing a message from naked parent nation, naked parent nations, a worldwide community of parents and professionals raising children with all kinds of needs. We come together to share a Naked Truth, support our fellow parents, and inspire the inner growth that each of us needs to build the life and family of our dreams. For the parents that are struggling, we want you to know that we will love you until you can love yourself, for your children, we pray and send power from our collective group.

 

 As we come to understand our divine nature, we realize there's no need to feel sorry for ourselves be angry or feel lack, we come to understand that our feelings of limitation and separation are only in our minds, through self realization, we expand our consciousness, so that the challenges that perplex us today dissipate one by one, until we're able to see and experience gratitude and beauty and everything just as it is. We have the power to create any kind of life we want for ourselves and our families. We do this by living in the naked present moment, one day at a time. This is the process of naked parenting, whether this is your first step on the path or your 10th. I'd like to welcome you to naked parent nation and the naked parent podcast. Hear about her journey, and Herod Hughes. How did I inherit

 

Angharad  01:40

perfect pronunciation thankee.

 

Chad Ratliffe  01:42

Welcome to the show. Thank you for being with us.

 

Angharad  01:45

Thanks so much for having me.

 

Chad Ratliffe  01:47

Where I'm from.

 

Angharad  01:49

So I'm calling in from the UK and a very sleepy little countryside town in the middle of Wiltshire in the UK.

 

Chad Ratliffe  01:57

Wow. So I understand you're a mom of two

 

Angharad  02:02

people as Yep, eight and five.

 

Chad Ratliffe  02:05

And you're a wellbeing coach, mostly working with parents dealing with anxiety, overwhelm, stress, and just demands of parenting in everyday life. Is that how long have you been doing that?

 

Angharad  02:22

So about the last five years, I've set up my own my own coaching business. So work from from home. And over lockdown, there was a lot of demand over lockdown as I can, as you can imagine, ya know, it's an absolute joy and a privilege to be in that capacity. And it's something that resonates so much with me. And I think what I meet my clients from so much of a personal experience point of view, because my journey has not been simple. And I've had many kind of bumps in the road and to be able to fully empathize fully say yes, and worn that T shirt, I think really helps with my clients, and especially with this new neurodivergent journey that I've that I'm experiencing at the moment, which we'll come on to, I'm sure but it's been a whole new realm to my coaching experience to bring in that awareness and understanding and it's a real, like, it's a privilege to have brought that that round to my to my coaching.

 

Chad Ratliffe  03:23

Yeah, I'm excited to get into that because it's it's it's hard to learn. It's hard to feel understood from somebody who hasn't worn shoes as specific, as you know, raising special needs children. So can you just enhance the picture a little bit? Can you tell us what your family looks like? Maybe ages? Just?

 

Angharad  03:44

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Boys, girls. Yep. So let's say two boys are Teddy who's almost nine. He's nine next week. I've got Digby who's five. live at home with my husband, two dogs, I suppose that I wasn't really particularly aware of autism wasn't particularly aware of much neuro divergence. Until very recently, you know, I've very openly admit my ignorance to what particular demands that the autistic world faces. And I started having a few autistic clients myself.

 

And this really opened my eyes up. And I was fascinated by how my clients brains were working and the way their brain traveled in very new ways for me, other than different to the way that many of my neurodivergent client, my neurotypical clients were reacting. And so this kind of opened up a real curiosity around the autistic well, and I really, really wanted to learn a lot more and this was before my son started displaying a lot of his autistic traits. But I suppose that set the background to my kind of thinking, My interesting Oh, wanting to understand more, and kind of understanding a little bit about the autistic brain but It wasn't until my son started developing some traits. I was piecing the pieces of the jigsaw together. And it's been very, very recent, our journey. And he is, like I say, it's almost nine, I think over lockdown period. I don't know if many of your followers or listeners have experienced this, but I think over lockdown over the COVID over homeschooling, I think we began to see some some some of his traits, some of his more fear based traits that when he wasn't feeling particularly secure, when he wasn't feeling in control, we were beginning to get some, some behavior that I didn't understand. And it was it was new to me. And it was a lot of self destructive behavior, a lot of self doubt, a lot of self criticism, and his name is Teddy. And he would, he would do a lot of rocking and saying, Teddy Bear, Teddy, evil Teddy, Teddy shouldn't be here.

 

And this was really, really upsetting for us. And now, the lockdown period over homeschooling, it was just often such an intense, intense environment for everybody that we kind of we lowered expectations anyway, during that period, because homeschooling went out the window eventually, and we just let him be. And then he started a new school, and he felt very safe and secure in this lovely new school. And he had wonderful t shirt teachers. And so we didn't see much of his traits. Again, for a while he felt very secure, he felt very safe. And we didn't see many of his behavior that came from fear, until this summer. And this summer, he was transitioning into a new class, a new environment, and suddenly began to see a lot of the really destructive traits again, you know, 10 times worse than it was before and locked down. He was doing a lot of self harming he was, you know, trying to lock himself in cupboards, he was banging his head against the wall constantly, again, this Teddy bear, teddy bear to the evil. And he was saying, you know, there's voices in his head saying, I should do bad things. I'm a really bad person. And I, I shouldn't exist, basically.

 

And he was just in this utter self deprecating spiral. And it was just horrific to watch our middle boy going through this art of self loathing and confusion of who he was. And so yeah, that was that was the catalyst for me kind of exploring what on earth is this? What is this, like, what what is going on in my boy, and that was when I began my autism research and really heavily looking into his behavior patterns, and where like, I say that those jigsaw pieces could come together. And it was when I was doing my own research that I found a lot of his traits matching with an autistic brain and the neurodivergent world. And I was like, Okay, right, this makes sense now, which was a big, big relief, really to find some kind of answer, because school kind of local authorities were just not giving us much at all.

 

Chad Ratliffe  07:48

When you look back, do you see things that he was doing before that are more in line with this? Or did it really just come out of nowhere?

 

Angharad  07:57

I think yes, he's always been interesting. He's always been special. He's always had his, you know, really intense, special interests. And he's been so unique. And so that kind of makes sense now, but I think where he's felt safe in his environment, he hasn't had too much need to present the more destructive kind of behavior traits. It's just been, you know, he's been really quirky and into his political interests. But as soon as his environment became less secure, yeah, that was when it just went. And he didn't feel safe.

 

Chad Ratliffe  08:28

It's like, heartbreaking to hear the child in that kind of a space and saying those kinds of things. And I can only imagine what that must feel like, I mean, to hear it is so heartbreaking to feel it must be an intensity, even greater. Where do you go? When what do you do? What's the what's the step that you take? When you see that?

 

Angharad  08:51

Well, exactly. And there's no rulebook is there? There's no right. When I feel this, I go to x. And I think for a long time, my husband and I were just utterly baffled. And we were completely in fear mode ourselves, we would see our child in fear. And we would react with fear and go I don't know how to help you like this is utter feeling out of control, feeling helpless, desperately want to help him, but have no tools in our toolbox as to how that how to help him. And we would just sit back in our relationship as well. It all just kind of exploded a little bit as we were fighting to fight for him, but not knowing how to and so there was a lot of heightened emotions, there was a lot of fear, there was a lot of not knowing what to do. And that went on for quite a long time, to be honest. And the lack of clarity, the lack of, you know, what are we meant to do? Where is that rulebook? What are we meant to, you know, are we meant to offer sanctions? Are we meant to punish him for this bad behavior?

 

We meant, we just didn't know. And so, yeah, the answer to your question is I didn't I didn't know for a very long time where to go with that until I started doing so much more research and so I much just have my own following my own intuition, I suppose actually that I didn't want to punish him. I didn't want to say no, you know, when he's already saying teddy bear teddy bear to the evil, I don't want to label that with more. Yes, you are bad. Absolutely no way that but in your neurotypical society, there's all these kind of suggestions of punishment for bad behavior and sanctions for not cooperating with rules and things. And that was kind of like twittering away in my head, and also the voices of other people and friends, family school going, you know, he, he just needs to snap out of this a bit really doesn't. Yeah. And then my, like, mummy gut instinct was coming and going, oh, I need to sit with him.

 

 I need to understand this. I need to, like walk this journey with him and really understand what's going on in his brain. Wow. Which is eventually what I did. And I just, I, we've had so many conversations, and he's, he's amazing. He's very articulate. He's very understanding for his age. So we've been able to have some really transparent conversations. As soon as I started realizing, I think this is what might be going on in your brain. He was like, oh, okay, is this is this a thing like, this makes sense to me now. And we're like, like, what's going on in his brain? He's like, thank goodness, I know what this is now. Wow. When we were having those conversations together, it just, it kind of settled both of us to go right, this is, this is our truth, this is a real thing. And we're not alone. And he was able to have you very articulate with me about his experience and how he was feeling rather than feeling the shame and guilt of what he was feeling.

 

Chad Ratliffe  11:39

So he was getting relief from being able to identify some of these things the same, wow, that's very evolved. I mean, as a as

 

Angharad  11:49

it was like an overnight switch, as soon as we said, I think this is what it is. And then when he actually got his diagnosis, it was like, he was able to settle into him. It was like, he'd come out as gay because he was just, ah, I can be myself, like, I don't need to pretend anymore, I don't need to put on this, this mask of trying to trying to cope in this, this is a thing and I can I can own it.

 

Chad Ratliffe  12:13

One of the things it's difficult to talk about, and I think that we don't talk about it often, but I know that things have come up with my kids, that put me in fear. And I immediately like snap to punish or get mad. And it's like, because I'm in fear. And it's like the exact opposite of when I look at the whole picture, you know, it's like, Stop, you know, really just, you know, want it to stop because you don't like the way it's making you feel yet. Your kid, your little kid is the one that's going through this huge thing. And it's like, and then you don't want to go tell somebody that you just jumped all over your child who's going through this emotional time. So it's like this vicious cycle, vicious cycle. So it's amazing that he's able to articulate those things. So where did you go? Did you do you go to the pediatrician? Do you go to the school? What steps have you taken?

 

Angharad  13:10

We Yeah, we went, we went through school, they and this is a thing about my son is he is the world's best masker He will put His his brave pants on. He will smashed a school day and he will show up as he's meant to. And school, we're not seeing anything, friends, family, we're not seeing anything. But what nobody was seeing was how much that took out of him the effort that it went to, to get you to cope with the school day, just what that cost him. And what we were getting at home was just utter destruction, utter exhaustion, overwhelm fear from having to put that mask on the whole day. So school, you know, they didn't understand because they weren't seeing, seeing the whole picture that we're seeing this very kind of monotone is a picture that he was putting on.

 

So yeah, they didn't see much. But we eventually we went for a private diagnosis. And we're very blessed to be able to do that. And that was a fairly quick diagnosis. Like I say it was a bit of a turning point for him especially just to go this is what who I am really and to recognize that there were some really cool people out there. But I think for us as well as the as the parents going, Okay, this is a thing like I don't need to give you punishments I don't need to have these high expectations of you that I maybe would have done without this understanding and such a big shift for me was having the realization that he's not defining me he's not acting out of obstinate behavior or I don't want to adhere to your expectations. It's that he couldn't and my you know, my big shift from he won't to he can't was huge. And just to lower those expectations to go easier on him to go easier on the bedtime routines on the school runs on all of that to go okay, I don't need to, you know, hurry you along.

 

 And like you said, kind of roll with my own fear story of people judging me or being late or, you know, people having a bit of snide remarks that he's not in bed at the time he's meant to be or he's not in school at the time, he's meant to be always not able to stay on a playdate, as long as he's meant to that kind of erosion of my own expectations of him was a big change for us.

 

Chad Ratliffe  15:22

Well, it seems like it's hard for everybody. And it makes sense when the child's young to accept these things that you never knew much about or did not anticipate coming. So there's often a lot of denial. You know, I ran into that. Now you've lived with your child for nine years, it seems like it would be even harder to accept, you know, because you've had nine, you've had eight or nine years. You know, and then all of a sudden, has it been difficult for you and your husband to get on the same page? With this? I mean, it's yeah, it's difficult on on relationships.

 

Angharad  16:02

Yeah, it's been, it's been hard. I'm not gonna lie. And I think it was because it was. So it was almost overnight that he his behavior flipped. And we weren't really worried. I was really worried, I think, what is its what was me I just completely have this kind of personality transplant. And yeah, I don't know. And I don't know if many of your other viewers or listeners have this. But I think when we see some behavior traits in our children, it often rings bells for us. And we kind of start looking at ourselves in a new light. And oh, I didn't thought about that, in terms of myself here.

 

And I know that my husband recognizes a lot of my son's traits. And so for him that's cast a whole new light on his own life and his own behavior and his own reactions to things. And for my husband, this made him go into a real sense of shame and guilt. Actually, this sense of I've probably given him this, and I'm providing my son with this life of anxiety, and, you know, a lot of things to process for him as well. Yeah. It was really interesting watching his journey with this alongside my son's journey of this acceptance and processing. And like I say, that guilt and shame, which, you know, I was like, No, there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about, you know, you're all wonderful and unique. But for him, it's been a real, you know, real journey with that.

 

Chad Ratliffe  17:23

Yeah, it's really, it's way easier to say, oh, no, he's fine. He's, it's not that or it's just a phase, you know, and, and the day that you, you decide that you really have to embrace it and take it on that. I mean, I remember that, for me, it was such a challenging thing for anybody, but for a male with the male ego, and how about the brothers and their relationship together? They haven't changed. Have they ever been close? What's that relationship, like, they're not

 

Angharad  17:51

place. And it's really hard to watch that actually. And it's really hard to see my eldest Teddy's just, I suppose, challenging challenges with the awareness of his little brother's feelings and his emotions and being able to see that his brother may be struggling or, and actually, you know, we are his safe space as a family unit where his safe space, so we see his most destructive behaviors, you know, when he's coming home from school, that's the worst part because he's had to bottle it all up all day. And as soon as he's in the car with us, it's just utterly explosive. So my youngest, you know, he was, to any early stages, he was getting a lot of anger, he was it was all like, kind of pummeled towards him. And that was really hard to watch. And for him to just kind of, you know, age five to kind of withstand that and understand that and for me to have to, you know, tell him about the his brothers autistic journey at age five, that's quite difficult to comprehend. But and now he knows, because a lot of my son's triggers are sensory. So if my youngest is kind of chit chatting away in the car, my eldest is kind of, you know, there's too much too much. So, bless him, my little one has learned, you know, we are silent oncogenes, we don't trigger him, we, you know, I'll save my chatter, for mommy for when we get out the car, and whenever I'm in a safe space to do that.

 

And so he's been on a massive learning curve as well. And it's been really important for me to make sure that he is as safe as the penny, my eldest and that everybody, including us, as parents is safe in this environment, and we're all protecting each other from everybody's differing needs. But yeah, it's been a real challenge to take him along this journey as well. And for him to understand, because he is often you know, he's the channel of the rage and the explosions and to be able to talk him through that and to keep him safe in that it's hard. So much

 

Chad Ratliffe  19:47

going on. So much, so much going on so much, man. How's everybody's spirits?

 

Angharad  19:55

It's getting there. It's getting there. I'm not gonna lie. It's been low. It's been a while. And as we're all Yeah, trying to navigate all of that, but I'm so grateful for the understanding that I'm that I'm just learning everyday, you know, I'm just a sponge, I'm trying to understand as much as possible, the more I'm talking to like minded parents and to hearing other people's experiences, it just makes you I'm not alone. I'm you know, I'm doing quite a few of my own posts on social media and using my coaching kind of platform, as a platform for my own journey at the moment.

 

And I've had a mum this week kind of crying on me going, Oh, my goodness, it's, it's I'm not feeling alone. And just to feel that sense of community is lovely. And to know that we're not the only ones going through this.

 

Chad Ratliffe  20:41

So was your experience as a wellness coach, powerful for an important for embarking on this journey?

 

Angharad  20:53

It was a complete curveball that I wasn't expecting. But I'm practicing the way I was.

 

Chad Ratliffe  21:02

We talked about the show, you know, parents taking care of themselves. First, a lot of the parents are learning some of these self care concepts and practices for the first time, you know, I'm wondering, knowing them and providing self care for parents prior to this, has that been a positive thing for you to have that experience? Yeah.

 

Angharad  21:27

And to be able to have those kinds of tools in my, in my toolbox to come out, you know, it's so much it's so easy to, you know, preach all of these tools, when it comes to yourself, it's harder to listen to, but now having that background has really helped me and help the family. And I think a lot of the guilt, actually, of the troubled times is, you know, you know, there are there are hard times, and to be able to forgive myself, forgive myself, forgive my child forgive the whole experience that, yeah, we're all just learning. We're all just muddling through. And the times when I've shouted, and times when I rage and times, when I haven't quickly reacted in the most positive way, I've been able to, rather than kind of roll around in the guilt of that guy, okay, I'm, you know, we're all just doing the best we can, the tools were given at the time. And when we know better, we do better. And that's we can't do any more than that. We can't do any better than that. And so for me to kind of roll around in a shame journey, is not going to help anybody. So I'm going to carry on, I'm going to stay in the present.

 

And as a big tool that I offer, all of my clients is just being very, very present. Because when we're feeling guilty, we're going something that I've done in the past is going to affect something that in the future, we're not being present at all. And it's such a waste of energy to be rolling around in past or future. Try and practice being very present at all times. And that involves, you know, not not feeling guilty, but also not trying to worry too much not looking at that bigger picture of where is this taking us? What was he going to be like later in life? What challenges is he going to face? I really tried to practice what I preach in that in that I stay very much in the present and say no, there's just no point. There's no point in wasting time and energy in all of that time traveling and guilt tripping and anxiety.

 

Chad Ratliffe  23:16

Awesome. Can you tell us just kind of more about your journey and figuring out what you need for yourself to take care of yourself through this process, like things that you've tried or things that are working like parents that are listening right now that realize they need to start caring for themselves because they're just burnt out? What are some of the things that you've done and are doing that are helping you through this pretty amazing experience?

 

Angharad  23:44

Yeah, I think talking just talking in general, like I say to as many people as I can, you know, really offloading and so many of my clients I notice when they hold everything in, it doesn't go well. It eats away inside of us this is when we become ill this is when we develop illnesses. When we hold everything in we try and put on that brave face. So you know I ugly cried on so many fronts, I have, you know, told everybody about my journey. You know, like I say sharing sharing my journey with like minded parents and using my social media as a platform for were raising awareness that has been huge for me. Bear with me and other thing I've been doing is I went to a Reiki lady, I don't know how alternative some of your your listeners want to hear about this.

 

Amazing. She's literally like the best. I'm still seeing her but she's the best stem messing I think I've ever done to treat myself and she kind of looked at me and she was like, oh my goodness, I can pick up on your energy. I can I've got goosebumps picking up on your energy because you're just constantly in fight or flight. You're constantly in defense all the time. And I was like, Yeah, and I think we you know we talk about the fight or flight that kind of fear mode of our children. In a lot and trying to keep them safe, but actually, when we're in this reactive mode, as parents, we are also in that fight or flight mode constantly is we're constantly trying to defend from whatever's coming our way and coming at us. We end up being on the defensive, we end up being very, very protective and that adrenaline kind of pumping to go, what am I reacting to what's coming? And that is a really exhausting state to be in all the time, that adrenal kind of fatigue of constantly being on high alert, what do I need to do? What's what's coming next. And so she'd picked up on that. And just for me to channel into that, and to realize and to accept and to allow that that was how I was feeling. And she did a lot of work on me. So I'm a big advocate for energy work. And

 

Chad Ratliffe  25:43

can you tell us a little bit about I mean, is it how does Reiki work? I mean, is it something that they're channeling to you is their hands? Yeah,

 

Angharad  25:53

it's a lot of hands on, she can feel my energy, she can feel it was all very, very shallow, she looks at the chakras, she looks at which chakras needs working on. And again, she just said, you know, my energy was very tight to kind of like, again, that kind of fight or flight. And then by the end, she kind of opened me up again. The big thing also that I've learned with Reiki with just my own journey is the power of breath. And I loved your meditation at the beginning.

 

Thank you very much for that. And just knowing that that is such a huge resource to us all that is free to be able to take those few minutes. And I didn't think I'd been practicing proper breathing for a long time. And I was very good at clearing. But not the proper, deep inhale that gives you that kind of source of life. And the breath comes from all over the world, you know, the breath that we're in taking come from the Himalayas, and to give that vital source of life into ourselves. It's something that I think we underestimate sometimes.

 

Chad Ratliffe  26:52

Amazing. Have you ever heard of Wim Wim Hof? I just started studying this guy, this guy, like, you have to check, I think it's wi N H, O F, but he's like as 26 Guinness Book of World Records, and he's known for going into the Arctic, and he goes into the ice water, and he stays in it for 90 minutes. And he actually can raise his body temperature, a degree, he raised it a degree higher, after 90 minutes in water, that we would die of hypothermia, through the power of his breathing and his mind. He's a pretty amazing man. And he's humble. And I'm started doing some of his breathing exercises.

 

And he believes in cold therapy and worth checking out. But he's saying that we're not breathing. And just by breathing, he has these testimonials of people carrying themselves of disease and you know, depression and all these things. We're not getting the breath up into these other channels into our brain because we have this short. Anyway, I'm not an expert enough, but worth checking out. And I

 

Angharad  27:59

think the fascinating thing again, just that free resource that maybe we don't we don't use enough of,

 

Chad Ratliffe  28:06

right. Yeah, he's, that's awesome. So she was really able to help you release that tension.

 

Angharad  28:12

Yes. And like I say, just yet talking, releasing it. Like I say, I think when we bottle it all up, like, like my son, like, when he bottles up all of his feelings, you know, it's got to come out some way. And it's, it's best that it seeps out in gentle ways of talking to a friend or whatever means possible rather than us bottling it all up and having that shame cycle and having that kind of fear based story, which keeps it all in and then it explodes.

 

Chad Ratliffe  28:37

So what's Where is there anything that's working for Teddy these days? Like, where's he at? Is he struggling? Is he deep and struggle right now? Is he finding some healing? What's his journey right now?

 

Angharad  28:52

He is also on Easter holidays at the moment. So he's living his best life because there's no there's no demands on him. There's no expectations. And I really, really noticed that what he wants most in the world is just to not have pressure, not have expectations, not need to be doing something not needing to conform and perform. And so for us as parents to recognize that and to have that language of acknowledging that is really helpful as well.

 

 So for example, went on a playdate today. And I said, you know, your code word or your code action is to come and touch your knees. If you're when you're done. You need to be able to be brave enough to tell me and kind of half an hour into the play date. You kind of sidled up to me that's us, we've done whereas I think previous me would have gone you know, I just stay a bit longer or you know, I'm having fun chatting with a friend or whatever and for us all to have that bravery to acknowledge and accept and allow. What he needs is a real kind of turning point in our journey, I think to go that city. You need to get him there. That's good. And for me to not put any more pressure on him, other than for him to just feel safe and secure. And that goes in with school as well, you know, if he's having a real bad mental health day, I'm not going to pressure him into going into school and pushing, you know, further expectations on him when I know he's not going to cope, and it's gonna be a downward spiral.

 

Chad Ratliffe  30:20

Is dad finding any self care that's helping him through this journey?

 

Angharad  30:27

I think, you know, again, just all of us being very articulate, very, very aware, very open with where we're all at. And yeah, I think we will get

 

Chad Ratliffe  30:38

will say, when I tell him from what I know, it's a challenging journey. So from one dad to another, tell him, you know, I'm rootin for him. I know it's not easy. And I do believe it gets better as we, as we grow and evolve. So it sounds like you're online, can you tell us, you know, where we can find you online? And what kinds of things you're talking about online?

 

Angharad  31:03

Yep. Um, so you can find me and I'll forward you the link later, Chad, it's inherited us.com to find me on social media, on inherit his Well, being on Instagram and Facebook. A lot of it is like I say, tools and techniques for overwhelmed parents, and I am you know, I'm not saying I'm exempt from from the pressures of life, you know, it's what makes us human, it's what creates a human existence is to roll with that roller coaster, like I said, just to be able to wear the t shirt of other parents and say I relate i so get you is a really powerful, and I feel really privileged to be able to say,

 

Yeah, hand on heart, I get you. A lot of the kind of the techniques and tools I offer, I suppose in my coaching is this sense of not comparing ourselves to anybody else not having these expectations. And my biggest tool I offer anybody that walks through my doors is to remove the word should from their vocabulary entirely. Because when we're saying I should, I should, I should, it just puts so much guilt on the fact that we're not doing that thing. And it's put so much pressure on ourselves to do that thing. And it's wondering where that should. And that expectation comes from? Where we learned that that condition should who was taught us that? And do we need to carry that on in our lives? Or can we cast that away that should? And it's such a derogatory word, it says,

 

 Who I am at the moment is not good enough. Now, I should be much better, I should be a much shinier version of myself. Yeah, every time that we say showed, and on our child as well, we say you should, you know, we put this expectation that there should be somebody other than who they are. And it's just utterly inhumane to say, we should our child should be anybody other than who they are. And that goes for us as parents as well, that we're on this journey. We shouldn't be any further on, we shouldn't be better, we should just be who we are learning and doing the best we can.

 

Chad Ratliffe  32:58

Yeah, I just felt that just then when you brought it up, just acknowledging that we do that to ourselves, and that we don't have to, I had a moment, myself just have shoulders dropped a little bit, because we just put that pressure, and it's overwhelming. And it like pushes us to that fight or flight stage. And we don't even realize that we're living in it all the time. It's crazy. If people want to reach out to you. I mean, do you work with people?

 

Angharad  33:24

Yeah, people all over the world. I work on Zoom. I work. Yeah, I've worked with people. In the US. I've worked with people in Thailand, I've worked with people in Afghanistan, I'm all over. I'm online. So I am accepting clients. And yeah, it's just a very authentic journey to I think it's bringing ourselves back to our truth. And I'm writing a book at the moment called Speak your truth. Awesome. And it's very much just about how we can be as truly authentic as we can. And, you know, for my son that's being as truly authentic as he can be. And we had this really interesting conversation a few weeks ago where he said, Mommy, you know, I don't think you even know the real me the true me.

 

I think what I'd really really like to get to is a place where I can be the real me all the time. And that was a really powerful thing to hear from me. And I think it's but I think it's true for all of us in society to say I want to just be me with no shame no judgment, no expectations, no pressure. And I want to be able to speak that and and understand what that is in the first place. So many clients come to me and go I don't know who I am underneath all of the conditioning that we've been put on, but

 

Chad Ratliffe  34:36

this kid sounds so evolved in some ways. I mean, the stuff that he's able to talk about and thought process is pretty profound. It's really, really

 

Angharad  34:46

amazing. is easy. Yeah, especially little chap.

 

Chad Ratliffe  34:50

Well, I could talk to you forever and I'd love to have you back on the show when your books ready so we can hear about it. But just kind of enclosed first of all, Thank you for taking the time to be with us. And for the listeners, we'll put your contact information in the show notes. So if you didn't get it, look in the show notes to reach out to you and just kind of in closing for the parent that just got the diagnosis is struggling, doesn't see any light in sight is just feeling down, but says they don't have time. They don't have time to do these things for themselves. What do you say to that? What do you say to them,

 

Angharad  35:32

there is time, you know, we have to make time, we have to put our own gas mask on first. You know, even if it's just a couple of minutes, even if it's locking ourselves in a cupboard, like you said earlier, and just breathing, we have to make time and to have that allowance is vital for everybody. You know, we as parents need to keep that ball rolling. And we need to put ourselves first and I think removing the guilt of that sometimes we feel so selfish for putting our needs first when you know there's multiple, so many needs going on in our house. But to say no, I need I need my time I need my space.

 

 And again, I say this to my son I say you know you how you need your your boundaries in your space, Mommy needs hers as well actually. And I need you to respect that. And three lessons, we're not trying to, like try and implement those boundaries. So where you can put that gas mask on, and whether that is reaching out to a friend whether that is you know, journaling, everything that you're feeling, getting it out just finding a community online that has a similar story. Whatever that looks like, it's about putting giving yourself that time guilt free.

 

Chad Ratliffe  36:39

Cobble it I love that you said you need to make the time because you really do. And I want to thank you for being on the show and sharing your heart and sharing your journey and blessings to you and your family. And I'd love to stay connected and continue this journey together. So thank

 

Angharad  36:58

you for your listeners. Thank you for having me on

 

Chad Ratliffe  36:59

the show. All right. Have a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you, Andy. All right, bye bye. Okay, bye